It's Not For Me

My girlfriend had a baby three weeks ago and every day since then I've been dispatched to the shops to buy various things she discovered she needed.  I've bought, to name but a few, tampons, maternity pads, breast pads, nipple shields, nipple cream, nappies, gripe water, and baby wipes.  Certain aisles of Boots which I previously would have been horrified to find myself standing in have become almost like my second home.

Womenkind's Unacceptable Ignorance About Star Wars

"Turn the volume up.  I can't understand anything when that little one comes on."

"That's Yoda!"

"Yeah him.  I can't understand what he's on about."

"That's because he talks funny.  Everyone knows that!"

"What do you mean?"

"He says everything in a sort of backwards way."

"What?  Why?"
"I don't know.  Because he's Yoda."

 "Well I can't understand what's going on.  Put the subtitles on."

Up Your Imperative

Above the toilet at my workplace is a notice that says: Stop! Flushing: paper towels, sanitory items, wet wipes, general rubbish.  DOWN THIS TOILET!!  IT COSTS THE COMPANY THOUSANTS OF POUNDS EVERY YEAR TO UNBLOCK THE DRAINS!!!  The secret to getting people's attention, it seems, is to disregard basic grammer and use a lot of exclamation marks.  I can't help wondering what's meant by 'general rubbish'.  I picture someone trying to flush an old sofa, a broken TV, house bricks, scaffolding.  Is this what they're talking about?  I have no idea.
As I'm washing my hands I notice that there are other notices, including one telling me to NOW WASH YOUR HANDS.  Why stop here?  Stick a notice on everything.  PLEASE DON'T USE THIS TOASTER AS A HAT!!!  PLEASE DON'T ASK THESE FISH PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS!!!!  PLEASE DON'T TURN THIS STOCK ROOM INTO A ROLLER DISCO!!!!!  You never know what people will get up to if they haven't got a notice telling them otherwise.